soaring...

I think my head is too high up in the clouds...
so much so that I've forgotten how to land back to the ground...
perhaps even fear landing back to the ground again...

sometimes when I do try and land... I find that the monsters I fear come back to chase me...
which forces me back up into the skies...

often...it feels fun...being able to glide along...high above everything mundane...
with no fears, worries, or responsibilities...
being able to view almost everything at a bigger level
supposedly reducing biased-ness...

but at the same time...the constant flight and height in the skies...will leave you numb...
just as how you would feel after being in the same position for hours...
that same numbness will begin to consume you...

you want to feel more...so you start doing acrobatics, either to gain attention or to push your limits...
but never landing down...not being able to make your mark on the ground...
hurting...feeling that you're always left to the skies...
soaring...alone...

adioz
~shakti

Kanave Kanave

Kanave Kanave 

mounamaana maranam onru uyirai kondu ponathe

uyaramaana kanavu inru tharaiyil veezhnthu ponathe

[a quiet death that took my life...

a lofty dream which has fallen to the ground...]

thisaiyum ponadhu...thimirum ponadhu

thanimai theeyile vaadinen

nizhalum ponadhu nijamum ponadhu

enakkul enaye thedinen

[my direction is gone, the pride is gone

in the fire of loneliness, i am wilting away

the shadow has gone, the truth has gone

i'm searching for myself within]

kanave kanave kalaivatheno

karangal ranamai karaivatheno

ninaive ninaive araivatheno

enathu ulagam udaivatheno

[dreams, dreams, why do you fade?

crushed hands, why do you dissolve?

memories, memories, why do you sting?

my world, why is it breaking?]

kangal rendum neerile

meenai pola vaazhuthe

kadavulum pen idhayamum

irukutha ada illaya

[my eyes are wet,

living like the fishes,

god and women's heart

do they exist or not?]

oh oh..

naanum inge valiyile

neeyum ango siripile

kaatril engum thedinen

pesi pona vaarthaiyai

[i am here in pain

you are there in joy

searching in the winds

for the spoken words]

ithu niyayama manam thaanguma

en aasaigal athu paavama..

[is this justice, will the heart stand a chance?

my desires, are they pitiful?]

kanave kanave..

karangal ranamai..

ninaive ninaive araivatheno

enathu ulagam udaivatheno

[dreams, dreams...

crushed hands...

memories, memories, why do you sting?

my world, why is it breaking?]

For many reasons...this song is constantly in my head...

Always...non-stop...playing back the words and music again and again...

Almost each and every line resonates with my heart's feelings...

If only...that person would understand...or listen to this song...

Each time I listen to this song, it reminds me of all the sad memories...

But despite it's sadness, it is somehow soothing...

adioz

~shakti~

happy birthday to me

I just turned 24...

I guess this hasn't been the easiest time yet for me...

It's THE AGE where you should have already sorted your life out, know which direction to go, plan when you're getting settled down & stuff...

But for me, I think I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere.

1. I haven't finished my degree

2. Things haven't been smooth sailing with my significant 'otter'

3. The degree I'm is nothing related to my passion, albeit it is a degree that I do want and am interested in. *i know I'm weird in that way*

4. I'm still jobless a.k.a still dependent on someone financially

5. Unable to pursue my passion because I don't have the finances either.

So yeah. As much as I'm grappling with all these, I just wanna be thankful today for the things have been going okay for me so far.

1. My parents ~ they've been pretty great 'cos they've let me do some things my own way

2. My family ~ they're always around and keeping check on me so that I'm safe :D *you gotta love protective cousins and super-sporting aunties at times :P*

3. My friends ~ who've been through this one heck of a year with me. I know what a lousy company I have been all this while. 

4. Myself ~ I guess I'm learning to cope better with loneliness, although it still sucks. I like being alone sometimes, but not lonely...so I'm still trying to balance it out.

5. My significant 'otter' ~ I know i put this the last, but then again you're one of the best ;)
As much as I have so much coming to terms with our current situation, I still love you. I sincerely hope things will get better, cos I really hate being so far away from you.

And to the birthday celebration that almost didn't happen...

This will be one heck of a day that I won't forget.

At the end of the day, I'd say, it's you guys who matter to me. 

I'm just glad that I spent the day with you guys. 

3 cheers to:

~the 'prof' x who lurves me so much (and denies it at times) and makes me her guinea pig at times :P

~the darling who's always possessive over me & my scandalous nature

~the telepathic-evil-genius who reads my mind & finishes my sentences + vice-versa

~the cuddle-bunny with the horns and pitchfork in hand (who's a true gemini btw)

~the teletubby whom i disagree with often and yet have so much in common

I swear the past one year has been a crazy roller coaster 

And this marks my entry back into the blogging world..!!

(I know I've gotta brush my blogging skills, cos it's been awhile now...but I'll be back in action soon!)

adioz

~shakti~

time to adjust the sails to the winds of change...

i kinda realised that im being sucha emo chick based on a number of my previous post...
*sigh*
what has happened to me Oh My Kadavule???

where has the psycho-happy-go-lucky-dont-care-kiddi gone missing?
(okay, that was exaggerated...but yeah, i'm pretty much a happy child when i'm surrounded by the people i love and those who love me too)

i think i need a re-vamp up sesh soon...
and its about time i buck up for many, many reasons...

but my prob is that i have so many 'brilliant' ideas...but they all remain stuffed in my head and bug me at the most inopportune time... aka when i'm cracking my head for my assignments...
bleeaagghhh....

i think i shall be back pretty soon anyways...


toodlez...
~shakti~

procrastination at my best

haisz... =_=
i'm such a nutcase...

yes, i have assignments
no, i'm not in the mood to do them...
and yes, they're due tomorrow (technically today) =_=
kill me nowwww...!!!
i can even stand group assignments...
but individual ones drive me insane...especially those which are super structured...and required goodness knows what references and citations...
cant i just do something which is based on my opinions instead?
i'd prefer to "goreng" the assignments that way...
sadly this is not gonna work...
worse still, one of it must be submitted as a group even though its done individually...
blehhhh...
i hate you assignments!!!!

adioz
~shakti~

From the words of Rumi...

“All day I think about it, then at night I say it.

Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing?

I have no idea.

My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that,

And I intend to end up there.

This drunkenness began in some other tavern.

When I get back around to that place,

I'll be completely sober. Meanwhile,

I'm like a bird from another continent, sitting in this aviary.

The day is coming when I fly off,

But who is it now in my ear who hears my voice?

Who says words with my mouth?

Who looks out with my eyes? What is the soul?

I cannot stop asking.

If I could taste one sip of an answer,

I could break out of this prison for drunks.

I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way.

Whoever brought me here will have to take me home.

This poetry. I never know what I'm going to say.

I don't plan it.

When I'm outside the saying of it, I get very quiet and rarely speak at all.

We have a huge barrel of wine, but no cups.

That's fine with us. Every morning

We glow and in the evening we glow again.”

― Rumi

Quotes...

“I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that are concrete, like the ocean. Something you could point to and know what it was. I think that's why she always struggled with God. And I think that's why she also struggled with love. She couldn't touch it. She couldn't hold on to it and make sure it never changed."

"Sometimes it's those things you can't touch that you need to hold on to the most.” 
― Carrie Ryan, The Dead-Tossed Waves

i guess this is how i feel...although i dont have anything against God. i do believe. yet, it is the love that is now letting me down...i can see why i was, am and will be afraid of love...
its the fear of being rejected, let down, or let go....



“Suddenly, all I can think about are all the things I don't know about him. All the things I never had time to learn. I don't know if his feet are ticklish or how long his toes are. I don't know what nightmares he had as a child. I don't know which stars are his favorites, what shapes he sees in the clouds. I don't know what he is truly afraid of or what memories he holds closest. 
And I don't have enough time now, never enough time. I want to be in the moment with him, feel his body against mine and think of nothing else, but my mind explodes with grief for all that I am missing. All that I will miss. All that I have wasted.” 
― Carrie Ryan, The Forest of Hands and Teeth

all i could think about was only him...and only him...
for how much i am missing him and missing out on his life as he is with my life...
i'm truly truly enveloped by the sadness of not being able to share my life with him...
but the worse part, i dont even know if he feels the same....



“I want to sleep, I want dreams to pull me from this world and make me forget. To stop the memories from swirling around me. To put an end to this ache that consumes me.” 
― Carrie Ryan, The Forest of Hands and Teeth

at the end of the day...all i want is a sound sleep without any thoughts, dreams or feelings...
because, having to deal with it when i am conscious is bad enough...
no more heartache...no more pain...i just want to be unconscious....



adioz
~shakti~

feeling screwed up....

gaaaahhhhhhh......

i feel so screwed up...!!!!!!!!

and i have no idea why im feeling like this...

on one side...i have my bf who's barely talking with me..

and on the other side...its my guy friend who seems to be avoiding me...

and there's me, stuck in the middle...wondering why am i confused and feeling hurt thanks to both the guys..

on my bf's issue...i know that he's busy with his work and all...

but dont tell me, a guy cant even spend 10mins out of 24hrs to talk with his gal?

how many times do i have to keep trying to reach for u when u dont seem to be taking the effort?

how long more do i have to wait until i get to actually talk to you? to connect with u? to get to have a bond with you? i know u arent the guy for mushy stuff, but still...there's gotta be some conversation rite? i mean why else are we even in a relationship? that's what its all about isnt it? to be able to talk, confide, share, help, motivate and be there for each other through thick and thin?

and also to actually listen and get to know about each other...dont you think?

but whats the point when i cant even get to talk to you...and when we do actually talk...its more of you, you, and you...sure, i do get it that a partner should also listen and be able to be confided with...

but what about me?? when am i going to be heard?? when will u even ask me...about me??

when will you even ask...to get to know me?? i dont think u even know a fraction of who am i....

or what i want to be...my dreams, my desires...my wishes...my hopes...my feelings...

my ups and downs...and all the happiness that i have had and that i wished that i could share with you...

werent you the one who asked me to share my life with you...???

i dont know how many times we have to go through this...always this phase of stagnation...

im tired of asking...whats the point...when u dont understand this need?

sure, if one can understand the silence, then he or she should be able to understand the words..

but when i feel that you cant even understand my silence anymore...what more can my words do after this....

all this while after constantly trying to atleast get in touch with you...all i get is voicemails, no answer or i'm busy at work. and if i dont try...there's no effort from you...which makes me wonder...do u even want this rship or not??

im tired....im just tired...i just wish that u will realise that i have always been there for you...and that u were not there...especially when i do need someone to be at my side...

i noe that things arent a bed of roses for both of us...but i just wished that we'd actually talk...and spend time...not just on the basic updates...but also on each other...

getting to know each other...getting comfortable with each other...creating the bond and making sure that it will always be there...

i just dont know what to do anymore....

and then on the other side...the dude who got my attention..

the friend who i thought i would be able to atleast talk and have a connection...

i did think that we had a genuine connection...which definitely scared the hell out of me...because...u were becoming and giving me what i had been lacking in a r'ship...it scared me...honestly...

and the last thing i wanted to find myself in a situation that could spoil both our frendship and my relationship.

yet, i did allow for some closeness between us to develop...and always trying to make sure that we never crossed the boundaries...for one thing...u always made me feel secure...and i appreciated the lil moments that we had together...truly what i would want in a friendship....

but now...ever since u said that u have fallen for our frend, i can definitely see that you have placed a distance...i dont mind that...i get it that you want to appear sincere and loyal to that gal...

but for that, u didnt have to avoid me or ditch me like a hot coal. and for these past few weeks...all i feel is that im being ignored...and you keep wondering why i get pissed off...

fine la...if u want it that way...i dont want to interfere with anything anymore...i just wished that we'd still be talking and hanging out...even the times that we do meet up...i feel its becoming more and more awkward...

i just cant stand it anymore...call me clingy or what...but this is how i am...when u become a friend to me...i go all out and i will maintain it...but if u decide that u have had enough and start avoiding me...atleast tell me...so that i will no longer remain waiting for u...or have expectations from you anymore..

atleast for courtesy's sake...and for the memories of the friendship....

im sick and tired of all these...i've had frends who have ditched me in the past for their gals...and i thought u wud be diff...turns out, u're the same...

and those guys seem to have disappeared out of my life...i just hope that u wont do the same..

cos for one thing...i do care for u...

but i guess, i should know when i'm no longer being appreciated by either one...

how much more do i have to get hurt...its the pain of both your absences that is hurting...and hurts real bad...

and its especially worse when its the absence of the loved one...dont tell me u dont feel the same pang of pain....or are u just that cold and numb already...???

all i can do for now is wait and see if any of you actually care or notice that i'm no longer around...

if this is how its gonna be...then so be it...i will not come and find you until u come and find me...

because this way, i dont have expectations anymore..

and i hope the hurt will go away...

adioz

~shakti~

insomnia again....

i cant sleeeeeppppppppp!!!!!
apart from the constant itching no thanks to annoying mosquitoes...
my mind doesnt seem to want to go into hibernate mode
(scumbag brains)
n so here i am...
unable to sleep
staring at the white screen
listening to some of my fave melodies...
so much for having a dash of the rum :P

yeah, in case no one knew..
i drink.
but i absolutely hate beers.
i love hard liquors instead.
makes no sense...
but yeah, that's me..

anyways...despite having a small dash of it mixed with my hot choc..(choc helps me sleep, so i thought adding the rum might get me to doze of faster...it worked previously)
but unfortunately...im still awake...for the past 2 hours.. =_=
and i have an 8am class...
i'm so screwed...*sigh*

adioz
~shakti~

hope...for my lost self...

for once...i feel like im reclaiming myself again..
piecing all the parts of me that had been lost...
hopefully all will be okay again...
<3>

letter to my love...

my love...

i feel like its been ages since we talked properly...

yeah, i know i called you earlier...but that wasnt talking...

that was worry...since there was no call from you since yesterday...

i know, it seems like im being paranoid...

but neeye sollu...dont you think there's a distance?

its like we dont communicate anymore...like the calls are for the sake of calling, updating me with whats going on over there and thats it...

yeah, i know you're very busy sayang...that's why when i want to call you aso, i have to think many times...because i dont want to disturb you...but at the same time i feel so neglected without having you by my side...

werent we supposed to be in this together?

us sharing our lives together? instead its like we're leading totally separate lives...at this rate, it's like we're not even able to spare some time for each other...

i feel it badly...this is not how i feel it should be...

i really miss the times that we had together...

what use is it planning for the future if the present itself is being neglected...

and i also feel like you dont know who i am anymore...

its like us being in an arranged r'ship...not knowing anything about the other...

what happened sayang? is it because i did something?

and what's happening? i seriously dont get it at all...its like you're missing...

and there's always this constant emptiness in me....at 1st i thought it was because i had lost myself in the process of coming back here...but i realised...i'm also losing you...i feel like i cant connect with you anymore sayang....

and that day, when my frend came over to my place...i realised a few things...

there were questions that he was asking about me that day...and deep in my heart, i was thinking that these were the questions which should be coming from you in the 1st place...questions that we should be asking each other to get to know each other...

its like we never truly got to know each other sayang...like there's a phase missing in our rship sayang...i dont know if you ever noticed this or not...

and sumore, i told you before, i'm always having this trouble of being open with you...especially when we're talking...and i hate that alot...its like im always keeping myself hidden from you...this is not how i want to be with you, the man who i want to my whole life with...

i didnt know any other way to tell you sayang...i know, its very cowardly for not telling directly...

but if i did that, i know u will get hurt too...and this is the one way i feel that i can actually voice what i want to say to you...

'i just love you so much da...i dont want us to drift apart...

love you always...