feeling screwed up....

gaaaahhhhhhh......

i feel so screwed up...!!!!!!!!

and i have no idea why im feeling like this...

on one side...i have my bf who's barely talking with me..

and on the other side...its my guy friend who seems to be avoiding me...

and there's me, stuck in the middle...wondering why am i confused and feeling hurt thanks to both the guys..

on my bf's issue...i know that he's busy with his work and all...

but dont tell me, a guy cant even spend 10mins out of 24hrs to talk with his gal?

how many times do i have to keep trying to reach for u when u dont seem to be taking the effort?

how long more do i have to wait until i get to actually talk to you? to connect with u? to get to have a bond with you? i know u arent the guy for mushy stuff, but still...there's gotta be some conversation rite? i mean why else are we even in a relationship? that's what its all about isnt it? to be able to talk, confide, share, help, motivate and be there for each other through thick and thin?

and also to actually listen and get to know about each other...dont you think?

but whats the point when i cant even get to talk to you...and when we do actually talk...its more of you, you, and you...sure, i do get it that a partner should also listen and be able to be confided with...

but what about me?? when am i going to be heard?? when will u even ask me...about me??

when will you even ask...to get to know me?? i dont think u even know a fraction of who am i....

or what i want to be...my dreams, my desires...my wishes...my hopes...my feelings...

my ups and downs...and all the happiness that i have had and that i wished that i could share with you...

werent you the one who asked me to share my life with you...???

i dont know how many times we have to go through this...always this phase of stagnation...

im tired of asking...whats the point...when u dont understand this need?

sure, if one can understand the silence, then he or she should be able to understand the words..

but when i feel that you cant even understand my silence anymore...what more can my words do after this....

all this while after constantly trying to atleast get in touch with you...all i get is voicemails, no answer or i'm busy at work. and if i dont try...there's no effort from you...which makes me wonder...do u even want this rship or not??

im tired....im just tired...i just wish that u will realise that i have always been there for you...and that u were not there...especially when i do need someone to be at my side...

i noe that things arent a bed of roses for both of us...but i just wished that we'd actually talk...and spend time...not just on the basic updates...but also on each other...

getting to know each other...getting comfortable with each other...creating the bond and making sure that it will always be there...

i just dont know what to do anymore....

and then on the other side...the dude who got my attention..

the friend who i thought i would be able to atleast talk and have a connection...

i did think that we had a genuine connection...which definitely scared the hell out of me...because...u were becoming and giving me what i had been lacking in a r'ship...it scared me...honestly...

and the last thing i wanted to find myself in a situation that could spoil both our frendship and my relationship.

yet, i did allow for some closeness between us to develop...and always trying to make sure that we never crossed the boundaries...for one thing...u always made me feel secure...and i appreciated the lil moments that we had together...truly what i would want in a friendship....

but now...ever since u said that u have fallen for our frend, i can definitely see that you have placed a distance...i dont mind that...i get it that you want to appear sincere and loyal to that gal...

but for that, u didnt have to avoid me or ditch me like a hot coal. and for these past few weeks...all i feel is that im being ignored...and you keep wondering why i get pissed off...

fine la...if u want it that way...i dont want to interfere with anything anymore...i just wished that we'd still be talking and hanging out...even the times that we do meet up...i feel its becoming more and more awkward...

i just cant stand it anymore...call me clingy or what...but this is how i am...when u become a friend to me...i go all out and i will maintain it...but if u decide that u have had enough and start avoiding me...atleast tell me...so that i will no longer remain waiting for u...or have expectations from you anymore..

atleast for courtesy's sake...and for the memories of the friendship....

im sick and tired of all these...i've had frends who have ditched me in the past for their gals...and i thought u wud be diff...turns out, u're the same...

and those guys seem to have disappeared out of my life...i just hope that u wont do the same..

cos for one thing...i do care for u...

but i guess, i should know when i'm no longer being appreciated by either one...

how much more do i have to get hurt...its the pain of both your absences that is hurting...and hurts real bad...

and its especially worse when its the absence of the loved one...dont tell me u dont feel the same pang of pain....or are u just that cold and numb already...???

all i can do for now is wait and see if any of you actually care or notice that i'm no longer around...

if this is how its gonna be...then so be it...i will not come and find you until u come and find me...

because this way, i dont have expectations anymore..

and i hope the hurt will go away...

adioz

~shakti~