Question everything!

Why is it that I always feel like an outsider in my own family?
Why am I different?
Where did I go wrong? What went wrong?
Why am I the way I am now?
What made me this way?
Am I that slow? Or incapable?
Why do I not care as much as I should?
Why am I so selfish?
Why can't I find acceptance?
Why does it hurt so bad?
Will I ever get accepted?
Can I find myself?
When will I find my happiness?
Why don't I know anything?
Why am I still being the same way?
Why can't I change?
What will enable me to gain acceptance from my parents?
Why do I choose to do things which are hard, and I know I cant do it?
Why do I have so much pain and darkness in me?
Why do I have so many questions?

Why you?

Why you?

Of all the people I could have fallen for, I fell for you.
It just doesn't make sense. Why did I fall for you?
I was not attracted to you at first. So what changed?
I wonder if my mind was becoming unhinged?

Was it your kind eyes?
Which always twinkled whenever you smile?
Or was it your dimples?
Which complemented on either sides of your smile?

letter in progress...

Hey you :)

I figured this is the best way to say/write what I really feel about you...

And I just can’t bring myself to ruin the beautiful friendship that we have now by actually telling it to you. The reason is because whenever I see you in person, I feel happy. Not the butterflies in my stomach happiness but genuine happiness. It’s just that when I'm with you, there's nowhere I’d rather to be. Although I have no idea how you feel about me, I've finally realised about how I feel about you. So here goes...

When I first got to know you, I found a friend. Someone who I could truly speak to or just be myself. Not just the mundane stuff...but deeper conversations. Stuff that I never really get to talk with anyone else and feel that they understand what I am thinking. But you did. Yes, we had differing opinions on the topics, but we could agree to disagree. And what I really liked was that you respected my opinions. Even then, I had no feelings at all for you. Or at least I was rather emotionally unavailable (probably still am). Friends used to tease me, and I had to explain that I for once, I actually was not attracted to you. And I never did feel anything throughout the time. Initially. For which I am glad, because you gave me a beautiful friendship. And I wouldn't have asked for more.

So what changed? I have no clue.

Because one day, all I remember that day was waking up almost in tears, feeling such anguish just because I had a dream about you...that I almost lost you. That was the day I realised, how much you meant to me. You are one of those people in my life I don’t want to live without. Was it love? I don’t know. But all I knew was that I could not bear it if I lost you in any way.. 

It was after that, that I decided that I should at least tell you, because not saying something was a regret that I wouldn't want to live with. But before I could tell you anything I had no clue, and that's why I asked about one of your status. In case you were interested in someone else and I didn't want to look like a fool. And at that point I really liked you a lot, nothing more.

But I guess I was falling for you all along...without even realizing it. It was that day when you told me that you were actually interested in someone else...was the day I broke down after so long. All this while, I had been numb so long, I didn't expect that I would actually cry over you. I guess, the thought of losing you hit me hard again. And this time I knew it was for real.

But why did I feel so badly, I don't know. Was is because it's you or was it me? Or was it the fact that knowing that you who would suit me the best, saw someone else as better than me? Perhaps, was it the sinking feeling of knowing that when I thought you could understand me best, but actually do not understand me at all? Or maybe have I never made myself clear to you? Many questions filled my head that day. Of course, the irony was that you and I were on the same parallels, lamenting over the person we can't have. How funny right? 

I know that despite it all, it would be best for me to never say anything. And I'd rather see you happy. 

Because I know how much you love the blue abyss to let it go.

Because I know how much you love your freedom.

Because I know you don't believe in relationships any more.

Because I know you'd rather stay alone than to go through emotional repercussions.

Because I'm more afraid that I will never match up to your expectations.

Because I'd rather cherish the moments that I have together with you as a friend than to lose you.

Because I'd rather be a good friend than to be a lousy crush/a by-stander in your life, because I know things will get awkward with you the moment you know. 

Because, because, because...

Foolish? Yes. But if it means keeping the friendship intact, then by all means I’d rather have that. 

Call me selfish, but this is how I prefer things to be. And at least I get to be there for you no matter what. Unless you explicitly state that you no longer want me in your life. 

But until then, this is the one thing that I will promise you:

I may not have the power to make you happy always, but I will do anything in my power to make sure you never feel alone.

After all, everyone could use a friend :)

P.s. No need to worry about awkwardness, because funnily enough I don't feel awkward in your presence or like there is a need to hide/act or anything. 

Why?

Each time I see you
You take my breath away
When I talk to you
The butterflies get in the way
Why?

When we talk,
It feels like forever
When we are silent
It feels like there's no pressure
Why?

And yet I feel confused
For there is an unseen barrier
Which you have not removed
Like a shield to a warrior
Why?

If only you could see past
The fortress wherein lies your heart
That there is someone steadfast
Who wants nought but be a part
I wish...

Be still, my beating heart

Dear heart,

You yearn for something that cannot be felt nor be yours

For wont for such a priceless treasure

'Tis your misadventure

adioz

~shakti~

You Are My December...

‘Twas a hazy feeling...

I knew not where I was or how I got there...

All I could see around me was a green hillock that rose ahead of me and a rush of people were on the way downwards...as I was looking from face to face, trying to find someone I know.

I saw you.

The last person I had expected to see at that time...you appeared to have aged, yet still very much the same...with the same smile as I had always seen...

You had seen me and you were making your way towards me. Unable to stop myself, I too had started to walk towards you...smiling bashfully, not knowing how else to react.

As you were a few paces from me, suddenly, you lurched forward, falling.

My heart had stopped!

For a moment; it seems like an hour watching you falling to your knees. I was instantly by your side, catching you before you fell. Holding you close to me this was but a dream. All I could remember is praying hard so that I would not lose you, while trying to hold back my tears. You tried your best to reassure me that you were okay, but I could feel the racked breaths that you were taking in. That was when I leant and whispered to your ears, 

“You are my December”...

And I woke up, with such pang of sadness and almost in tears; with these words playing on my lips...not knowing what it meant or why I had said that to you...but all I knew was that I never ever wanted to lose you.

adioz

~shakti~

So sue me!!

cos i couldnt think of a better title...

my restlessness is not helping either

something is bugging me, but i have no clue what it is...

i just feel like i wanna scream shout yell of go wild. go beserk nuts or whatever you call it. 

but i just wanna let loose. 

i feel like i wanna break something or do something really dangerous or stupid or painful

i just woke up feeling quite lousy. and this sucks. bg time.

fuck everything. i just wanna run away and shut out everything.

i wanna become anonymous and disappear from this life.

Now, was a good time as any...

And so it was... :D
*Self reminders to never bash myself up

Fuck, yes!

:*

Why do I even do this?

Why the fuck do I like you?
Reasons:
1. You broke one of my barriers
2. You can fucking read my body language
3. You are fucking honest
4. Because I thought I had a chance


Why should I hate you?
Reasons:
1. You're a fucking asshole
2. You're obnoxious
3. You fucking don't care for people's feelings
4. You always believe that you're right
5. You believe that looks come before personality
6. You're a fucking racist
7. You don't give people a chance
8. Because I've come to realise that you'll never give me a chance

So screw you!!
adioz
~shakti~


Note to self: Read this as often as possible when dealing with Mr.Asshole..