letter in progress...

Hey you :)

I figured this is the best way to say/write what I really feel about you...

And I just can’t bring myself to ruin the beautiful friendship that we have now by actually telling it to you. The reason is because whenever I see you in person, I feel happy. Not the butterflies in my stomach happiness but genuine happiness. It’s just that when I'm with you, there's nowhere I’d rather to be. Although I have no idea how you feel about me, I've finally realised about how I feel about you. So here goes...

When I first got to know you, I found a friend. Someone who I could truly speak to or just be myself. Not just the mundane stuff...but deeper conversations. Stuff that I never really get to talk with anyone else and feel that they understand what I am thinking. But you did. Yes, we had differing opinions on the topics, but we could agree to disagree. And what I really liked was that you respected my opinions. Even then, I had no feelings at all for you. Or at least I was rather emotionally unavailable (probably still am). Friends used to tease me, and I had to explain that I for once, I actually was not attracted to you. And I never did feel anything throughout the time. Initially. For which I am glad, because you gave me a beautiful friendship. And I wouldn't have asked for more.

So what changed? I have no clue.

Because one day, all I remember that day was waking up almost in tears, feeling such anguish just because I had a dream about you...that I almost lost you. That was the day I realised, how much you meant to me. You are one of those people in my life I don’t want to live without. Was it love? I don’t know. But all I knew was that I could not bear it if I lost you in any way.. 

It was after that, that I decided that I should at least tell you, because not saying something was a regret that I wouldn't want to live with. But before I could tell you anything I had no clue, and that's why I asked about one of your status. In case you were interested in someone else and I didn't want to look like a fool. And at that point I really liked you a lot, nothing more.

But I guess I was falling for you all along...without even realizing it. It was that day when you told me that you were actually interested in someone else...was the day I broke down after so long. All this while, I had been numb so long, I didn't expect that I would actually cry over you. I guess, the thought of losing you hit me hard again. And this time I knew it was for real.

But why did I feel so badly, I don't know. Was is because it's you or was it me? Or was it the fact that knowing that you who would suit me the best, saw someone else as better than me? Perhaps, was it the sinking feeling of knowing that when I thought you could understand me best, but actually do not understand me at all? Or maybe have I never made myself clear to you? Many questions filled my head that day. Of course, the irony was that you and I were on the same parallels, lamenting over the person we can't have. How funny right? 

I know that despite it all, it would be best for me to never say anything. And I'd rather see you happy. 

Because I know how much you love the blue abyss to let it go.

Because I know how much you love your freedom.

Because I know you don't believe in relationships any more.

Because I know you'd rather stay alone than to go through emotional repercussions.

Because I'm more afraid that I will never match up to your expectations.

Because I'd rather cherish the moments that I have together with you as a friend than to lose you.

Because I'd rather be a good friend than to be a lousy crush/a by-stander in your life, because I know things will get awkward with you the moment you know. 

Because, because, because...

Foolish? Yes. But if it means keeping the friendship intact, then by all means I’d rather have that. 

Call me selfish, but this is how I prefer things to be. And at least I get to be there for you no matter what. Unless you explicitly state that you no longer want me in your life. 

But until then, this is the one thing that I will promise you:

I may not have the power to make you happy always, but I will do anything in my power to make sure you never feel alone.

After all, everyone could use a friend :)

P.s. No need to worry about awkwardness, because funnily enough I don't feel awkward in your presence or like there is a need to hide/act or anything.