mis-judging

i might as well get hit by train at this rate...

sometimes i feel like i've misjudged my parents..
cos they are pretty okay (at certain times)..

but somehow i keep feeling like a misfit...
and when they do stuff that is sooo not what i'm wanting..
that's when it pisses me off..(they had been doing that alot quite lately)
and then out of the blue, this week, they had gotten me alot of things during their weekly grocery shopping rounds *they've been leaving MY stuff out of the list for the month...

so, this kinda threw me off abit..
and it got me thinking, maybe i'm the one misunderstanding them alot..
*sigh*
but this battle will never end for sure...atleast until the day i can fully be open with them..
which is goodness knows when...

also, i have my stupid demons that keep appearing during the times when i have my PMS..
they suck BIG time! cos, all wud end up thinking in my head is all the stuff i that i have been meaning/wanting to tell my parents for all the hurt and pain i still (*unfortunately) carry in my heart..

sadly, it's in my nature not to forget the hurt and pain that i receive...
i may forgive, but i can never ever forget..especially the hurt..
i wish i cud change that, but i cant...atleast not yet..
cos some of those are the ones that have shaped me into the person i am today...

adioz
~shakti~

been doing too much thinking...

this past weeks...
some thoughts have been bugging my mind actually...
i'd been thinking of what had or has gone wrong in my fam..
wondering why some of the things in my fam are they way they are now...
when it shouldnt be...

i know how this is gonna sound stupid, but when i had been thinking alot..
a thought about me being a girl in the family struck my mind...
in terms of, maybe my parents had wanted the eldest to be a boy...but instead they got me...a girl..
i know it sounds so sexist at this age and era..
but hey, i'm from an indian family...
and in some, they're still pretty sexists...where the boy is placed with more importance than the girl

the reason this crossed my mind was because Gender is a chapter in my Sociology class...
how gender can affect alot of things...even in the contemporary world...

even though my family is not like that...but alot of things had got me thinking of how and why some (actually many) things had changed in my family..
cos, all these chaos and disagreement in my family was basically absent...

when i was younger, my mom had always wanted my hair to be short...like a boy's...
and it was constantly short throughout till i was in my teens..
with the exception of severals years in between when i was stubborn enough to say that i wanted to grow my hair...

and when i look at those years in between...there had always been some probs...
like when i first started to grow my hair when i was 10 until i was 12...
boy, those years were pretty problematic for me...like i didnt fit in being a girly girl etc etc..
it's like i was jinxed...

but when i look at those years when my hair was short..
it was actually pretty okay..
like when since i was 7-9...my hair was short..
and then when i was 13, i had gotten short hair again...
and guess what, those years were pretty okay...in fact 13-14 was one of the best years in my life...

after that, i grew my hair again when i was 16...
yeap, it was bad after that...
and u noe, ever since then, my hair has been consistently long...and i feel like a misfit...but not with the public...but a misfit in my own family...
i feel like a black sheep...like everything i have done so far had only brought me nothing but trouble and hell of a mistrust from my family..
and it's like no matter what i try to do, they just dont get me...(maybe they dont want to?? hmmm)

a few years back, my mom had actually asked me,
"dont u ever wish to cut your hair again...like before?"
(meaning boy cut)
and i said no, i love the way my hair is...
she didnt bring up that topic again...

but when i think back...it kinda makes sense of the way she perceives me...
like how she wants me to be boyish and stuff...
cos during that time when my hair was short...my mom actually encouraged and allowed me to do some of the things that i wanted...
sucks doesnt it...to have this kind of realisation that your family doesnt love you as a girl...

i know u may think that i'm exaggerating...
but if u could see the way they treat me and my bro..
it's quite clear..
one simple example:

apparently my bro didnt do well in one of his current exams...bt guess what my mom says..
" dont worry, we can find for u a tutor if u want."

when i was in that stage...this is what she had said..
" why didnt you study hard enough for ur subject?? u need to reduce the amount of time u spend online...u're forever on that frensta/fb....and nowadays...tutors are very expensive...u better find a way to buck up and get better grades...etc etc"

see the diff???

also...recently, i found out that my bro is planning to medicine..
that being a very expensive course, i was extremely surprised to hear that my parents are willing enough to let my bro consider doing that course...
and when i had planned to it (cos i wanted to pursue psychiatry that time)
my parents actually didnt have the faith in me that i cud do well..and they kept harping on the fact that its expensive, it's hard, or to consider something else, etc etc...
so u can imagine, it basically became a self fulfilled prophecy..sad right..

anyways...i know i'm rambling alot here..
but this is what that has been plaguing my mind...and still is...
i'm wondering what i can do about this though...

it feels like a dead end at the moment...*sigh*

adioz
~shakti~

something to simply blog about...

nyways...here i am...
back with the blogs...
been doing some cleaning up on my blog posts and shifting them to the appropriate blogs :P
(i felt that some of the stuff i posted here were kinda OTT)

i guess this is just gonna be a starter for all my lame posts and my weird thoughts...
oh well...

adioz
~shakti~

bla..bla..bla..

hmm...
feeling like my life has become so much more complicated over the past couple of months...
i think i need to start simplifying...

and i'm planning to start that with my blogs...
cos, somehow, this will give me a headstart *i think* :P
but anyways, i'm just using the blog as an excuse for my procrastination..
i noe there hasnt been updates for a fair bit...
that's thanks to my super emo-fied moods...

i think i wud have burst into tears each time i had written *yeah, it was that bad*
so, i thought it wud be best to keep aways, *so that i wouldnt be caught teary-eyed actually*

nyways, i figured its time get rid of all the extra stuff...n start afresh...*tho end of sept is rather an odd time to start afresh* :P

so, i'll be back to update what's been happening soon...

adioz
~shakti~

something abt my sweetheart

my boyfie has got a thing for his DSLR...
which kinda makes him so cute...
he calls his DSLR his baby daughter...*yay for me, i've always wanted daughters =P*
and he has even named her...N*k*nl*t* ;)

i think that is just so adorable... :)
and i just love him to bits...
~ i love you my dear ~

*i know i seem like i'm bi-polar or something cos in one post i was supergrumpy, n in this one i'm all lovey dovey*
lolx...

adioz
~shakti~

gahhhh...i hade disb colb..(a.k.a. : i hate this cold)

insane is definitely making a mess of my life

with all the nonsensical issues in my life...i dont need this cold to come and kacau as well...
bleahhh....
running nose is definitely a downer for me :(

my day has been peppered with news...
good and bad...

i have to start with the good unfortunately so that my story makes sense...
good - i am allowed to stick with two subjects this semester
bad - i wont be able to apply for the transport concessions sticker because i'm required to have a minimum of three subjects...
bad - this will probably affect my eligibility to apply for the study loan as well...

welcome to my crazy life...

adioz
~shakti~

oh boy...

gaackkk!
the headache has started...
at first, i was deliriously happy...
and now, i'm stuck with a headache...
stupid enrolments...
bleahh...
so many class listings per subject...
and they're nearly all on waiting lists...
*sigh*

adioz
~shakti~

Happeyyyy...Indru Mudhal Happeyyyy....

translation : "happy, happy starting frm today" ;P

*wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee~*
the reason??
i got the university's acceptance offer.. :D
now i cant stop smiling....*big wide grin* =D

adioz
~shakti~

it's funny how...

~ friends? ~

u dont notice a friend's character flaw, until u find urself at the receiving end of it..constantly..
*sigh*
i love this frend to bits..but ever since i was abt to leave the country i have been getting snide put-downs by her..
mind u, when she tells u tactless-ly, u dont feel hurt or think that it's serious...
because of the way she says it and her intonation...
but when i do think back or if that situation pops ups in a written mode (a.k.a chat)
it makes me wonder...
ALOT..

especially abt the way she treats me, and the way she claims to always be my well-wisher..
i feel sad, cos she's actually a darling...one who keeps in touch no matter what, and there are many instances that she has been there for me...

but today's comment on a status of mine kinda hit a perspective on her...
hmmm...i wonder if this will change...
i hope for the best...

adioz
~shakti~

cute kid

i saw a kid today at the library...

she looked like a blonde replica of my niece "sh*v*n*" :)

but what she was doing was more interesting...

she was sitting at the kids corner and exploring the place on her own...

then she came to section of books and started taking down some of the books at the lower shelf...

she took them down one by one...and she opened them up as though she could read them..

her serious-ness was just too cute ;)

and then after that, she actually tried to arrange the books back into the transparent side shelf...just like the way she took them out...being as little as her, she did have difficulties...

cos, some books, she couldnt lift them with one hand alone...

and she seems like a lil' perfectionist...

cos she kept taking the books out n re-arranging them ;P

she looks abt only 1&half-ish...

cute ;)

adioz

~shakti~

hope.

hope is what is holding me up for the time being...

as well as the love and support frm my loved one n frends...

update so far..

i've been able to check out a local/prestigious uni here...

and if all goes well...i will be able to start uni in july + with exemptions...

the gud thing abt this uni is that it's quite close to the city and i have a fren who is studying there as well...so...keeping fingers crossed...

adioz

~shakti~