been doing too much thinking...

this past weeks...
some thoughts have been bugging my mind actually...
i'd been thinking of what had or has gone wrong in my fam..
wondering why some of the things in my fam are they way they are now...
when it shouldnt be...

i know how this is gonna sound stupid, but when i had been thinking alot..
a thought about me being a girl in the family struck my mind...
in terms of, maybe my parents had wanted the eldest to be a boy...but instead they got me...a girl..
i know it sounds so sexist at this age and era..
but hey, i'm from an indian family...
and in some, they're still pretty sexists...where the boy is placed with more importance than the girl

the reason this crossed my mind was because Gender is a chapter in my Sociology class...
how gender can affect alot of things...even in the contemporary world...

even though my family is not like that...but alot of things had got me thinking of how and why some (actually many) things had changed in my family..
cos, all these chaos and disagreement in my family was basically absent...

when i was younger, my mom had always wanted my hair to be short...like a boy's...
and it was constantly short throughout till i was in my teens..
with the exception of severals years in between when i was stubborn enough to say that i wanted to grow my hair...

and when i look at those years in between...there had always been some probs...
like when i first started to grow my hair when i was 10 until i was 12...
boy, those years were pretty problematic for me...like i didnt fit in being a girly girl etc etc..
it's like i was jinxed...

but when i look at those years when my hair was short..
it was actually pretty okay..
like when since i was 7-9...my hair was short..
and then when i was 13, i had gotten short hair again...
and guess what, those years were pretty okay...in fact 13-14 was one of the best years in my life...

after that, i grew my hair again when i was 16...
yeap, it was bad after that...
and u noe, ever since then, my hair has been consistently long...and i feel like a misfit...but not with the public...but a misfit in my own family...
i feel like a black sheep...like everything i have done so far had only brought me nothing but trouble and hell of a mistrust from my family..
and it's like no matter what i try to do, they just dont get me...(maybe they dont want to?? hmmm)

a few years back, my mom had actually asked me,
"dont u ever wish to cut your hair again...like before?"
(meaning boy cut)
and i said no, i love the way my hair is...
she didnt bring up that topic again...

but when i think back...it kinda makes sense of the way she perceives me...
like how she wants me to be boyish and stuff...
cos during that time when my hair was short...my mom actually encouraged and allowed me to do some of the things that i wanted...
sucks doesnt it...to have this kind of realisation that your family doesnt love you as a girl...

i know u may think that i'm exaggerating...
but if u could see the way they treat me and my bro..
it's quite clear..
one simple example:

apparently my bro didnt do well in one of his current exams...bt guess what my mom says..
" dont worry, we can find for u a tutor if u want."

when i was in that stage...this is what she had said..
" why didnt you study hard enough for ur subject?? u need to reduce the amount of time u spend online...u're forever on that frensta/fb....and nowadays...tutors are very expensive...u better find a way to buck up and get better grades...etc etc"

see the diff???

also...recently, i found out that my bro is planning to medicine..
that being a very expensive course, i was extremely surprised to hear that my parents are willing enough to let my bro consider doing that course...
and when i had planned to it (cos i wanted to pursue psychiatry that time)
my parents actually didnt have the faith in me that i cud do well..and they kept harping on the fact that its expensive, it's hard, or to consider something else, etc etc...
so u can imagine, it basically became a self fulfilled prophecy..sad right..

anyways...i know i'm rambling alot here..
but this is what that has been plaguing my mind...and still is...
i'm wondering what i can do about this though...

it feels like a dead end at the moment...*sigh*

adioz
~shakti~