Hollow

For some strange reason, I feel hollow.

Like a chunk of what should be my soul seems to be missing.

I feel pain at random times, like when someone questions me about certain things. That triggers the pain. At the same time, it is like I am able to block that pain.

But at what expense? I have no idea. 

All this while I had been feeling so much pressure. Apart from the disappointment I feel towards myself for what I know I could have done better, I feel empty. Like as though there is something inside me which sucking up whatever happiness, triumph or success that I should feel what I have achieved so far. It's like whatever I have done now, seems to have no meaning, and I can't feel that feeling that I want to. The happiness for what I have managed to achieve despite it all. 

Everyone is congratulating me for my achievements, and not talking about the disaster that I felt that I was. Perhaps they are being kind to me, but then again I don't quite care any more. Now what I fear is that the disappointment I feel in me will turn into self loathing. I used to loathe myself for years, until finally started loving myself for who I was turning out to be. I know I am better than that to hate myself, but you never know.  

I wish that I could understand what I am feeling now.