Hey you :)

Conversations of the Deep

For some reason, I'm missing you today. More than usual...

I don't know if you've read anything I write. But I sure hope you haven't and won't. If you do, hmmm...please just don't ask me anything. I don't think I'd be able to face you knowing that you have read this :/

I know I'm being silly...I just can’t bring myself to send a message to you. I'm scared that you will know think that I'm desperate or something. And also that you'll know that I'm missing you. Yeah, ultra silly but it still doesn't take away that fear.

Hence, I'm writing to you here instead.

Why do I miss you? That, I'm not sure. I guess I just miss talking with you, or spending time with you. In some way or other, you seem to keep me grounded. And you help me alleviate the constant fears that I have in me. No doubt I'm currently feeling at my most insecure but I feel like I don’t have to hide it from you. I don’t have to put this mask or façade to show that I'm okay. However, at times I also feel like I'm burdening you with what's happening in my life. Hence, I try not to let on too much. Obviously I fail at that when it comes to you. I'm sorry... I just find it easier to share things with you more than others. Yeah, I have other people whom I can share my probs/issues/etc, but it doesn't feel the same as telling it to you. I feel that you don’t judge, well if you do, you seem to judge less. Hehe…

I also miss the random contemplations that we do. You know, just talking about a whole load of things. I can’t seem to be able to do that with anyone else. Like talking about books, quotes, thoughts, life, happiness, purpose…well almost anything in general. Sure I do have people to talk to...but it's not the same as it is with you. You often give me a different perspective. Although there are many instances that we have differing opinions, I appreciate the fact that you respect my opinions. Which is not something people do often. I also know that we could always agree to disagree. 

I also miss spending time with you, in person that is. It’s a silly feeling again, but spending my time with you is something precious, not in a special way, but more like it's worth it. I really don't know how to word this. Okay, not that it isn't special, but not in terms of lovey dovey or mushy stuff. I just don’t know. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s our conversations, maybe it’s just the fact that I get to see you in person. And this is mostly when it's one-to-one. Not that the parties or group meet ups aren't fun. But the one-to-one conversations with you are different, more meaningful. I get to see another side to you. Although I don't think I'm the only one who you show this 'other' side of yourself, but I appreciate that trust. 

I guess it’s been really a long time since we talked, although it wasn't really long ago. For that, I’d like to actually thank you. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for trusting me. It may not seem like much, but for me it is a huge deal. It’s because I've actually stopped believing and trusting myself. I know this is something I have to deal with on my own. And I will do so. Still in a work-in-progress mode. Hopefully this doesn't last longer than it should.

I feel like telling you a lot of things. I guess it's best to say it here since I may never even tell you in person. Of things that often remind me of you, of quotes, books, songs, images and the rainy weather. Hehe...there are days when I happen to see or experience some them, the first thought that comes to my mind is you.

I feel odd telling you this, but I've always wished to be a mermaid. Back then, the reason was because I wanted to live a life free from everything and just be one with the sea. I just love the water. But now, when I see mermaids or see images of the sea, I still wish I could be a mermaid, but this time it's so that I could swim all the way just to see you. Sappy, but hey if I get to see you, then why not? :P
The weather, hmmm...well the rainy weather is something that I always like to share with someone who I feel close with. Having a cup of hot tea or coffee, enjoying the weather and just talking. reading, or even sitting in silence. That's all. Nothing more actually. :)

Hmmm...what else have I been wanting to tell you.... Oh yeah...I've been dabbling with some music making recently...hopefully it will lead to some singing. Something which I love a lot, besides my books, photography, art, dance, violin...well...the list goes on...Hehe...
Oh, another thing which I haven't told you is about my degree. I know I've mentioned to you that I postponed it, but after recent thinking and talking it over,  I'm planning to switch over to another programme. Maybe mass com. or designing. It makes sense since my job description is now heading in that direction. But I haven't decided. I know I seem to be all over the place, but in some way or other I guess slowly things are falling into place...and you're also one of the reasons I guess. It's a good thing.

I know I haven't asked, but I do hope you're okay. And if you read this, don't get me wrong, I like you but I still see you as my friend. Nothing more. Perhaps this is a phase, perhaps it is not.
Either way  the bottom line is -

I miss you. 

I guess your reassuring presence is what I need now.
Just so that I know I'm not going on the wrong path.

Adioz
~Shakti~