Daaaayyyyyummmmmm...!!!

Daaayyyuuummmmm..!!!

I swear I dunno what to start with. 

Cos all I feel like doing now is to numb myself, some way, some how. I don't know how. But in all honesty, you've made me think a lot, way more than usual. Oh Godddd.. And I just dunno what to think about you. To feel creeped out or to feel okay about it. I'm darn confused. Because for the 1st time ever, I actually felt...extremely vulnerable, and that shit actually scared the hell outta me. I still feel damn scared/vulnerable. I dunno why. It's not that you're a scary person. But I'm just feeling this way. I dunno...aaarrrggghhhh!!!

Thinking about the conversations and all, I keep getting goosebumps. Dammit man, dammit! Why???

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Ok - long story short, you've made a fucking impact on me thanks to last nite. and that's a good thing, so thank you macha :)
Dammit man, you've seriously psyched me out. (yeah, I can't stop swearing)
I just cant stop thinking. about alot of things, and about me, especially about the way I am and why. Like fuck la deyh...honestly, the word for this situation for me is creeped out. i dunno why, seriously. goddd....I noe I'm fucking over analysing, but damn, I just cant stop.
Its like you've triggered my brain. Or like turbo-fried (yes fried not fired) it. I just dunno why, I just can't digest this (yet). The fact that I felt so damn fucking vulnerable to you. That is damn scary. Help meeee =_=''
Okay, I know why this is bugging me, but its still bugging meee!!

(now the realisation slowly kicks in)

Becos for the 1st time, I feel laid bare. No obstructions, no covers, nothing. I can't hide myself. like I've been unmasked. and I realised that all this while, I've been hiding myself a lot. No matter what. It's like no one can access me at all. And you did that. Even though its like only for split seconds every now and then, it felt like you could see through me. And that freaked me out. Alot! And if it weren't for you being here physically present, I would have actually started crying. But thank God I was still pretty numb. After you left, its like the feeling of numbness is still there. But it feels like all the emotions that are being pent is trying to come out through all the pierced holes that you have put in me (metaphorically speaking). And after awhile I realised, that I kept trying to numb myself. Alot!! Becos I kept trying to keep myself occupied; either internet, reading up stupid trivia's, HUCP, whatever I cud think off.

But it took me awhile to realise that I keep doing this to myself. Numbing. I actually have been choosing to numb my emotions. Because I've become scared to let go. Of myself. To be me. And that got me thinking, why do I keep holding myself back. To show what I really feel or want to say, as you had said before. And it is true, I am actually scared to show my true feelings or say what I want or do what I wish. But honestly, I realised that I'm actually afraid of being judged. Highly fearful of it, to the point that I'm always under constant conflict. And the one major thing that you did was that you actually crashed the illusion that I had - that I was actually free. That I was actually doing alot of things because I had no fear. Maybe to some aspect I did. But to a major extent, I realised that i had bound myself up to alot of things. for instance, the degree I'm doing now, I do like it, but it's not my passion. Yet, I still chose it cos I'm scared of what my own parents will think of me. And like on the outside, I only reveal to people what I want to show, and give the illusion that I'm kinda don't carish person. But in the inside I know I care damn hell alot. And internalize it alot. Although, one way of being what you wanna be is to fake it, but clearly the fear of being judged is actually very strong in me.

Apart from that, being with you made me realise that I have helluva trust issues. Kinda related to previous prob. I know it may seem like not much on my part but, it means alot to me. The fact that I actually don't let people get close to me. Like I don't trust people enough to feel secure. It's like at any time, I feel that I'll be betrayed by them. Meaning if I let them see the diff/weaker side of me, they'd be able to use it against me. Also, I feel like I cant trust people a lot, because somehow or rather, they'll either break their promise or they'll change. Kinda like I can't trust things to stay the same. Again, the fear is there.

Same goes when it comes to love, I cant trust anyone that I'll be completely accepted for who I am, with no judgements. I know this is pretty impossible but still, it scares me...which is why I guess I never ended my r'ship soon enough. Being with my-ex gave me the illusion that I was actually secure and accepted as I am. Until when I realised that it had always been alot him about and not much about me. Plus, I realised, I can't trust myself. I make alot of promises to myself, and I break them. And this also translates to reality. It had happened alot with my parents. To the point now, they don't trust me anymore. i don't know if I'll ever gain back this trust.

I know I'm rambling but I really felt like I needed to make sense of alot of things. Or else this is gonna keep plaguing me for the rest of my life. and alot of things in my life tend to interlink, and I don't think you wanna know where that goes though. and I know I've got alot more of issues to settle with; in the sense that I have to let go of the amount of baggage, emotional probs, grudges, hurt, whatever shit that's been fucking me up for umpteen years. I also realise that I have allowed myself to become a shallow person. And this is not what I wanted to be. And I also know why I have a level of self loathing. Things are adding up in a way I guess, like a jigsaw puzzle. I think it's time I started hunting for the jigsaw pieces.

You know, I don't think I've felt this affected before. And ironically, you're a person who is the not close to me at all. Fuck man, I never expected this from you. At all. Dammit man. Like seriously, this was the first time ever that I felt super vulnerable. And that was extremely scary for me. Like anything can happen to me, and I will have no control of it. I know there was the choices there, cos you did give me options and all. But there were so many questions that were running in my head. Non-stop!! Which was why there were times when I was silent. But I guess you oredy impacted me enuff by then, that I should speak up for what I want.

I guess, the whole thing was one heck of an experience for me. And I actually want to thank you for this, cos if it had not been for you, I guess I wouldn't have realised this much. Although I know I have a long way to go, I think its best that I am realising it now. Better late than never. And that statement from that movie, "You met me at a very strange time in my life", I guess that really rings true for me. =)

Thank you Rats :*