surviving vs living

have you ever woken up...one day..
feeling all the inadequacy that has been repressed by you...for such a long time...
all the while thinking that you have enough and you are living...

but when that inadequacy thought hit you...
you felt like...what am i doing?
how have i been surviving all this while with so little?
dont i deserve more than what i have been given?

i felt that yesterday...

and it kinda kills me every time when i get this feeling...
it makes me feel rather worthless and coupled with the fact that i'm being dependent on others for cash and a living...bleagghhh...

especially when the amount that is given is fine...to survive well..
but not enough to really live...
now i understood why my cousins had asked me if my previous amount was substantial enough to live..
i didnt understand that then...i figured they were just worried that i wont be able to survive with that amount...
and it was yesterday that i realized...
there's a difference between surviving and living...

surviving means staying alive with basic necessities and nothing more..
living means you are alive and enjoying life...

sadly...
i think i've only lived a few times a month..
and the remaining time has been spent on trying to survive...

adioz
~shakti~