Restarting

To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life anymore. Seems like I'm hitting a downward spiral again. Here goes nothing~

Needing to jumpstart my writing all over again 

It's fucking 20201, and 6 months have passed 🤦🏾‍♀️

Saala Khadoos!

Dear Khadoos,

Muhje nahin jaane ki kabse itna mushkil ho jaayege...

Tumko batane ke liye.. mere dil ka sachchi baat..

Lekin ye kabhi nahin hua na?

Dear Khadoos, 

Why? Why you? Of all the people I've met, why is it that you're the only one who gives me butterflies in my stomach? Why only you who doesn't make sense, and yet you're the most sensible being in my life?

Why you, who are not the most patient listener, and yet you seem to get me? You know what to say even when I don't make sense. 

Dear Khadoos, 

I really don't know where this will go. I know I already have feelings for you. I think it has always been there since I met you. And I still don't know why. 

Perhaps I should not have met you. 

Dear Khadoos, 

I don't understand why I feel this way for you. Neither are you the listener that I crave, nor are you the talker I can find myself having conversations with. And yet, why does my heart keep tugging its way to you?

Dear Khadoos, 

I question myself everyday, and still cannot find the answer. 

Why? Why you? What is it about you that keeps me from turning away and finding my right person?

I can see so much cons if ever I choose to be with you, and yet my mind rejects all these and just sees you, as you.

You ignore me, you don't give a fuck about how I feel from time to time. You don't acknowledge my presence every now an then, all of the same things that I do to you too so that I keep my distance. And yet, it doesn't seem like the feelings are diminishing.

Why Khadoos? Why you?

Masala chai...

Rain me over

Wash over me,
Let the rain drops trickle over
Let me feel the gentle pitter patter

I want to the the rain wash away everything,

Let it flow
Let it go
Let the sorrow go away
Let the pain wash away
Make the hurt go away
Let it all flow away from me

Wash it all away
Let me become a new slate a again
Let me begin with the fresh start
Let the rain pour over me
Let everything wash away

I can't think of anything else to say...

Why do I even bother?

Just when I thought I'm okay, and boom! 

The past knocks and drops by to say hello...

How is this even possible?

Why the fuck does it even happen?

I just don't get this...why the fuck are you even concerned with what I post?

It's not like I'm in your life. Why?

So what if I post stuff that has some political connotations?

It's not like it has anything to do with you

And then you tell me that you're going to get married soon.

What's your point in that anyways?

It's not like you ever understood me or my feelings.

And just as you came, you just disappeared.

WHY?

I hate you!

For all the good times and the fact that I could never tell you how I truly felt.

Fuck you! :'(

Hey you :)

Conversations of the Deep

For some reason, I'm missing you today. More than usual...

I don't know if you've read anything I write. But I sure hope you haven't and won't. If you do, hmmm...please just don't ask me anything. I don't think I'd be able to face you knowing that you have read this :/

I know I'm being silly...I just can’t bring myself to send a message to you. I'm scared that you will know think that I'm desperate or something. And also that you'll know that I'm missing you. Yeah, ultra silly but it still doesn't take away that fear.

Hence, I'm writing to you here instead.

Why do I miss you? That, I'm not sure. I guess I just miss talking with you, or spending time with you. In some way or other, you seem to keep me grounded. And you help me alleviate the constant fears that I have in me. No doubt I'm currently feeling at my most insecure but I feel like I don’t have to hide it from you. I don’t have to put this mask or façade to show that I'm okay. However, at times I also feel like I'm burdening you with what's happening in my life. Hence, I try not to let on too much. Obviously I fail at that when it comes to you. I'm sorry... I just find it easier to share things with you more than others. Yeah, I have other people whom I can share my probs/issues/etc, but it doesn't feel the same as telling it to you. I feel that you don’t judge, well if you do, you seem to judge less. Hehe…

I also miss the random contemplations that we do. You know, just talking about a whole load of things. I can’t seem to be able to do that with anyone else. Like talking about books, quotes, thoughts, life, happiness, purpose…well almost anything in general. Sure I do have people to talk to...but it's not the same as it is with you. You often give me a different perspective. Although there are many instances that we have differing opinions, I appreciate the fact that you respect my opinions. Which is not something people do often. I also know that we could always agree to disagree. 

I also miss spending time with you, in person that is. It’s a silly feeling again, but spending my time with you is something precious, not in a special way, but more like it's worth it. I really don't know how to word this. Okay, not that it isn't special, but not in terms of lovey dovey or mushy stuff. I just don’t know. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s our conversations, maybe it’s just the fact that I get to see you in person. And this is mostly when it's one-to-one. Not that the parties or group meet ups aren't fun. But the one-to-one conversations with you are different, more meaningful. I get to see another side to you. Although I don't think I'm the only one who you show this 'other' side of yourself, but I appreciate that trust. 

I guess it’s been really a long time since we talked, although it wasn't really long ago. For that, I’d like to actually thank you. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for trusting me. It may not seem like much, but for me it is a huge deal. It’s because I've actually stopped believing and trusting myself. I know this is something I have to deal with on my own. And I will do so. Still in a work-in-progress mode. Hopefully this doesn't last longer than it should.

I feel like telling you a lot of things. I guess it's best to say it here since I may never even tell you in person. Of things that often remind me of you, of quotes, books, songs, images and the rainy weather. Hehe...there are days when I happen to see or experience some them, the first thought that comes to my mind is you.

I feel odd telling you this, but I've always wished to be a mermaid. Back then, the reason was because I wanted to live a life free from everything and just be one with the sea. I just love the water. But now, when I see mermaids or see images of the sea, I still wish I could be a mermaid, but this time it's so that I could swim all the way just to see you. Sappy, but hey if I get to see you, then why not? :P
The weather, hmmm...well the rainy weather is something that I always like to share with someone who I feel close with. Having a cup of hot tea or coffee, enjoying the weather and just talking. reading, or even sitting in silence. That's all. Nothing more actually. :)

Hmmm...what else have I been wanting to tell you.... Oh yeah...I've been dabbling with some music making recently...hopefully it will lead to some singing. Something which I love a lot, besides my books, photography, art, dance, violin...well...the list goes on...Hehe...
Oh, another thing which I haven't told you is about my degree. I know I've mentioned to you that I postponed it, but after recent thinking and talking it over,  I'm planning to switch over to another programme. Maybe mass com. or designing. It makes sense since my job description is now heading in that direction. But I haven't decided. I know I seem to be all over the place, but in some way or other I guess slowly things are falling into place...and you're also one of the reasons I guess. It's a good thing.

I know I haven't asked, but I do hope you're okay. And if you read this, don't get me wrong, I like you but I still see you as my friend. Nothing more. Perhaps this is a phase, perhaps it is not.
Either way  the bottom line is -

I miss you. 

I guess your reassuring presence is what I need now.
Just so that I know I'm not going on the wrong path.

Adioz
~Shakti~

Hollow

For some strange reason, I feel hollow.

Like a chunk of what should be my soul seems to be missing.

I feel pain at random times, like when someone questions me about certain things. That triggers the pain. At the same time, it is like I am able to block that pain.

But at what expense? I have no idea. 

All this while I had been feeling so much pressure. Apart from the disappointment I feel towards myself for what I know I could have done better, I feel empty. Like as though there is something inside me which sucking up whatever happiness, triumph or success that I should feel what I have achieved so far. It's like whatever I have done now, seems to have no meaning, and I can't feel that feeling that I want to. The happiness for what I have managed to achieve despite it all. 

Everyone is congratulating me for my achievements, and not talking about the disaster that I felt that I was. Perhaps they are being kind to me, but then again I don't quite care any more. Now what I fear is that the disappointment I feel in me will turn into self loathing. I used to loathe myself for years, until finally started loving myself for who I was turning out to be. I know I am better than that to hate myself, but you never know.  

I wish that I could understand what I am feeling now. 

Question everything!

Why is it that I always feel like an outsider in my own family?
Why am I different?
Where did I go wrong? What went wrong?
Why am I the way I am now?
What made me this way?
Am I that slow? Or incapable?
Why do I not care as much as I should?
Why am I so selfish?
Why can't I find acceptance?
Why does it hurt so bad?
Will I ever get accepted?
Can I find myself?
When will I find my happiness?
Why don't I know anything?
Why am I still being the same way?
Why can't I change?
What will enable me to gain acceptance from my parents?
Why do I choose to do things which are hard, and I know I cant do it?
Why do I have so much pain and darkness in me?
Why do I have so many questions?

Why you?

Why you?

Of all the people I could have fallen for, I fell for you.
It just doesn't make sense. Why did I fall for you?
I was not attracted to you at first. So what changed?
I wonder if my mind was becoming unhinged?

Was it your kind eyes?
Which always twinkled whenever you smile?
Or was it your dimples?
Which complemented on either sides of your smile?

letter in progress...

Hey you :)

I figured this is the best way to say/write what I really feel about you...

And I just can’t bring myself to ruin the beautiful friendship that we have now by actually telling it to you. The reason is because whenever I see you in person, I feel happy. Not the butterflies in my stomach happiness but genuine happiness. It’s just that when I'm with you, there's nowhere I’d rather to be. Although I have no idea how you feel about me, I've finally realised about how I feel about you. So here goes...

When I first got to know you, I found a friend. Someone who I could truly speak to or just be myself. Not just the mundane stuff...but deeper conversations. Stuff that I never really get to talk with anyone else and feel that they understand what I am thinking. But you did. Yes, we had differing opinions on the topics, but we could agree to disagree. And what I really liked was that you respected my opinions. Even then, I had no feelings at all for you. Or at least I was rather emotionally unavailable (probably still am). Friends used to tease me, and I had to explain that I for once, I actually was not attracted to you. And I never did feel anything throughout the time. Initially. For which I am glad, because you gave me a beautiful friendship. And I wouldn't have asked for more.

So what changed? I have no clue.

Because one day, all I remember that day was waking up almost in tears, feeling such anguish just because I had a dream about you...that I almost lost you. That was the day I realised, how much you meant to me. You are one of those people in my life I don’t want to live without. Was it love? I don’t know. But all I knew was that I could not bear it if I lost you in any way.. 

It was after that, that I decided that I should at least tell you, because not saying something was a regret that I wouldn't want to live with. But before I could tell you anything I had no clue, and that's why I asked about one of your status. In case you were interested in someone else and I didn't want to look like a fool. And at that point I really liked you a lot, nothing more.

But I guess I was falling for you all along...without even realizing it. It was that day when you told me that you were actually interested in someone else...was the day I broke down after so long. All this while, I had been numb so long, I didn't expect that I would actually cry over you. I guess, the thought of losing you hit me hard again. And this time I knew it was for real.

But why did I feel so badly, I don't know. Was is because it's you or was it me? Or was it the fact that knowing that you who would suit me the best, saw someone else as better than me? Perhaps, was it the sinking feeling of knowing that when I thought you could understand me best, but actually do not understand me at all? Or maybe have I never made myself clear to you? Many questions filled my head that day. Of course, the irony was that you and I were on the same parallels, lamenting over the person we can't have. How funny right? 

I know that despite it all, it would be best for me to never say anything. And I'd rather see you happy. 

Because I know how much you love the blue abyss to let it go.

Because I know how much you love your freedom.

Because I know you don't believe in relationships any more.

Because I know you'd rather stay alone than to go through emotional repercussions.

Because I'm more afraid that I will never match up to your expectations.

Because I'd rather cherish the moments that I have together with you as a friend than to lose you.

Because I'd rather be a good friend than to be a lousy crush/a by-stander in your life, because I know things will get awkward with you the moment you know. 

Because, because, because...

Foolish? Yes. But if it means keeping the friendship intact, then by all means I’d rather have that. 

Call me selfish, but this is how I prefer things to be. And at least I get to be there for you no matter what. Unless you explicitly state that you no longer want me in your life. 

But until then, this is the one thing that I will promise you:

I may not have the power to make you happy always, but I will do anything in my power to make sure you never feel alone.

After all, everyone could use a friend :)

P.s. No need to worry about awkwardness, because funnily enough I don't feel awkward in your presence or like there is a need to hide/act or anything. 

Why?

Each time I see you
You take my breath away
When I talk to you
The butterflies get in the way
Why?

When we talk,
It feels like forever
When we are silent
It feels like there's no pressure
Why?

And yet I feel confused
For there is an unseen barrier
Which you have not removed
Like a shield to a warrior
Why?

If only you could see past
The fortress wherein lies your heart
That there is someone steadfast
Who wants nought but be a part
I wish...

Be still, my beating heart

Dear heart,

You yearn for something that cannot be felt nor be yours

For wont for such a priceless treasure

'Tis your misadventure

adioz

~shakti~

You Are My December...

‘Twas a hazy feeling...

I knew not where I was or how I got there...

All I could see around me was a green hillock that rose ahead of me and a rush of people were on the way downwards...as I was looking from face to face, trying to find someone I know.

I saw you.

The last person I had expected to see at that time...you appeared to have aged, yet still very much the same...with the same smile as I had always seen...

You had seen me and you were making your way towards me. Unable to stop myself, I too had started to walk towards you...smiling bashfully, not knowing how else to react.

As you were a few paces from me, suddenly, you lurched forward, falling.

My heart had stopped!

For a moment; it seems like an hour watching you falling to your knees. I was instantly by your side, catching you before you fell. Holding you close to me this was but a dream. All I could remember is praying hard so that I would not lose you, while trying to hold back my tears. You tried your best to reassure me that you were okay, but I could feel the racked breaths that you were taking in. That was when I leant and whispered to your ears, 

“You are my December”...

And I woke up, with such pang of sadness and almost in tears; with these words playing on my lips...not knowing what it meant or why I had said that to you...but all I knew was that I never ever wanted to lose you.

adioz

~shakti~

So sue me!!

cos i couldnt think of a better title...

my restlessness is not helping either

something is bugging me, but i have no clue what it is...

i just feel like i wanna scream shout yell of go wild. go beserk nuts or whatever you call it. 

but i just wanna let loose. 

i feel like i wanna break something or do something really dangerous or stupid or painful

i just woke up feeling quite lousy. and this sucks. bg time.

fuck everything. i just wanna run away and shut out everything.

i wanna become anonymous and disappear from this life.

Now, was a good time as any...

And so it was... :D
*Self reminders to never bash myself up

Fuck, yes!

:*

Why do I even do this?

Why the fuck do I like you?
Reasons:
1. You broke one of my barriers
2. You can fucking read my body language
3. You are fucking honest
4. Because I thought I had a chance


Why should I hate you?
Reasons:
1. You're a fucking asshole
2. You're obnoxious
3. You fucking don't care for people's feelings
4. You always believe that you're right
5. You believe that looks come before personality
6. You're a fucking racist
7. You don't give people a chance
8. Because I've come to realise that you'll never give me a chance

So screw you!!
adioz
~shakti~


Note to self: Read this as often as possible when dealing with Mr.Asshole..

Why do people go back to their exes?

The reason why people go back to their exes;

is because they are NOT getting they attention that they wanted from their current love interest

It's simple as that.

Why else would anyone go back to their ex, knowing very well that they will be hurt again?

adioz

~shakti~