Restarting

To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life anymore. Seems like I'm hitting a downward spiral again. Here goes nothing~

Needing to jumpstart my writing all over again 

It's fucking 20201, and 6 months have passed 🤦🏾‍♀️

Saala Khadoos!

Dear Khadoos,

Muhje nahin jaane ki kabse itna mushkil ho jaayege...

Tumko batane ke liye.. mere dil ka sachchi baat..

Lekin ye kabhi nahin hua na?

Dear Khadoos, 

Why? Why you? Of all the people I've met, why is it that you're the only one who gives me butterflies in my stomach? Why only you who doesn't make sense, and yet you're the most sensible being in my life?

Why you, who are not the most patient listener, and yet you seem to get me? You know what to say even when I don't make sense. 

Dear Khadoos, 

I really don't know where this will go. I know I already have feelings for you. I think it has always been there since I met you. And I still don't know why. 

Perhaps I should not have met you. 

Dear Khadoos, 

I don't understand why I feel this way for you. Neither are you the listener that I crave, nor are you the talker I can find myself having conversations with. And yet, why does my heart keep tugging its way to you?

Dear Khadoos, 

I question myself everyday, and still cannot find the answer. 

Why? Why you? What is it about you that keeps me from turning away and finding my right person?

I can see so much cons if ever I choose to be with you, and yet my mind rejects all these and just sees you, as you.

You ignore me, you don't give a fuck about how I feel from time to time. You don't acknowledge my presence every now an then, all of the same things that I do to you too so that I keep my distance. And yet, it doesn't seem like the feelings are diminishing.

Why Khadoos? Why you?

Masala chai...

Rain me over

Wash over me,
Let the rain drops trickle over
Let me feel the gentle pitter patter

I want to the the rain wash away everything,

Let it flow
Let it go
Let the sorrow go away
Let the pain wash away
Make the hurt go away
Let it all flow away from me

Wash it all away
Let me become a new slate a again
Let me begin with the fresh start
Let the rain pour over me
Let everything wash away

I can't think of anything else to say...

Why do I even bother?

Just when I thought I'm okay, and boom! 

The past knocks and drops by to say hello...

How is this even possible?

Why the fuck does it even happen?

I just don't get this...why the fuck are you even concerned with what I post?

It's not like I'm in your life. Why?

So what if I post stuff that has some political connotations?

It's not like it has anything to do with you

And then you tell me that you're going to get married soon.

What's your point in that anyways?

It's not like you ever understood me or my feelings.

And just as you came, you just disappeared.

WHY?

I hate you!

For all the good times and the fact that I could never tell you how I truly felt.

Fuck you! :'(

Hey you :)

Conversations of the Deep

For some reason, I'm missing you today. More than usual...

I don't know if you've read anything I write. But I sure hope you haven't and won't. If you do, hmmm...please just don't ask me anything. I don't think I'd be able to face you knowing that you have read this :/

I know I'm being silly...I just can’t bring myself to send a message to you. I'm scared that you will know think that I'm desperate or something. And also that you'll know that I'm missing you. Yeah, ultra silly but it still doesn't take away that fear.

Hence, I'm writing to you here instead.

Why do I miss you? That, I'm not sure. I guess I just miss talking with you, or spending time with you. In some way or other, you seem to keep me grounded. And you help me alleviate the constant fears that I have in me. No doubt I'm currently feeling at my most insecure but I feel like I don’t have to hide it from you. I don’t have to put this mask or façade to show that I'm okay. However, at times I also feel like I'm burdening you with what's happening in my life. Hence, I try not to let on too much. Obviously I fail at that when it comes to you. I'm sorry... I just find it easier to share things with you more than others. Yeah, I have other people whom I can share my probs/issues/etc, but it doesn't feel the same as telling it to you. I feel that you don’t judge, well if you do, you seem to judge less. Hehe…

I also miss the random contemplations that we do. You know, just talking about a whole load of things. I can’t seem to be able to do that with anyone else. Like talking about books, quotes, thoughts, life, happiness, purpose…well almost anything in general. Sure I do have people to talk to...but it's not the same as it is with you. You often give me a different perspective. Although there are many instances that we have differing opinions, I appreciate the fact that you respect my opinions. Which is not something people do often. I also know that we could always agree to disagree. 

I also miss spending time with you, in person that is. It’s a silly feeling again, but spending my time with you is something precious, not in a special way, but more like it's worth it. I really don't know how to word this. Okay, not that it isn't special, but not in terms of lovey dovey or mushy stuff. I just don’t know. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s our conversations, maybe it’s just the fact that I get to see you in person. And this is mostly when it's one-to-one. Not that the parties or group meet ups aren't fun. But the one-to-one conversations with you are different, more meaningful. I get to see another side to you. Although I don't think I'm the only one who you show this 'other' side of yourself, but I appreciate that trust. 

I guess it’s been really a long time since we talked, although it wasn't really long ago. For that, I’d like to actually thank you. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for trusting me. It may not seem like much, but for me it is a huge deal. It’s because I've actually stopped believing and trusting myself. I know this is something I have to deal with on my own. And I will do so. Still in a work-in-progress mode. Hopefully this doesn't last longer than it should.

I feel like telling you a lot of things. I guess it's best to say it here since I may never even tell you in person. Of things that often remind me of you, of quotes, books, songs, images and the rainy weather. Hehe...there are days when I happen to see or experience some them, the first thought that comes to my mind is you.

I feel odd telling you this, but I've always wished to be a mermaid. Back then, the reason was because I wanted to live a life free from everything and just be one with the sea. I just love the water. But now, when I see mermaids or see images of the sea, I still wish I could be a mermaid, but this time it's so that I could swim all the way just to see you. Sappy, but hey if I get to see you, then why not? :P
The weather, hmmm...well the rainy weather is something that I always like to share with someone who I feel close with. Having a cup of hot tea or coffee, enjoying the weather and just talking. reading, or even sitting in silence. That's all. Nothing more actually. :)

Hmmm...what else have I been wanting to tell you.... Oh yeah...I've been dabbling with some music making recently...hopefully it will lead to some singing. Something which I love a lot, besides my books, photography, art, dance, violin...well...the list goes on...Hehe...
Oh, another thing which I haven't told you is about my degree. I know I've mentioned to you that I postponed it, but after recent thinking and talking it over,  I'm planning to switch over to another programme. Maybe mass com. or designing. It makes sense since my job description is now heading in that direction. But I haven't decided. I know I seem to be all over the place, but in some way or other I guess slowly things are falling into place...and you're also one of the reasons I guess. It's a good thing.

I know I haven't asked, but I do hope you're okay. And if you read this, don't get me wrong, I like you but I still see you as my friend. Nothing more. Perhaps this is a phase, perhaps it is not.
Either way  the bottom line is -

I miss you. 

I guess your reassuring presence is what I need now.
Just so that I know I'm not going on the wrong path.

Adioz
~Shakti~

Hollow

For some strange reason, I feel hollow.

Like a chunk of what should be my soul seems to be missing.

I feel pain at random times, like when someone questions me about certain things. That triggers the pain. At the same time, it is like I am able to block that pain.

But at what expense? I have no idea. 

All this while I had been feeling so much pressure. Apart from the disappointment I feel towards myself for what I know I could have done better, I feel empty. Like as though there is something inside me which sucking up whatever happiness, triumph or success that I should feel what I have achieved so far. It's like whatever I have done now, seems to have no meaning, and I can't feel that feeling that I want to. The happiness for what I have managed to achieve despite it all. 

Everyone is congratulating me for my achievements, and not talking about the disaster that I felt that I was. Perhaps they are being kind to me, but then again I don't quite care any more. Now what I fear is that the disappointment I feel in me will turn into self loathing. I used to loathe myself for years, until finally started loving myself for who I was turning out to be. I know I am better than that to hate myself, but you never know.  

I wish that I could understand what I am feeling now. 

Question everything!

Why is it that I always feel like an outsider in my own family?
Why am I different?
Where did I go wrong? What went wrong?
Why am I the way I am now?
What made me this way?
Am I that slow? Or incapable?
Why do I not care as much as I should?
Why am I so selfish?
Why can't I find acceptance?
Why does it hurt so bad?
Will I ever get accepted?
Can I find myself?
When will I find my happiness?
Why don't I know anything?
Why am I still being the same way?
Why can't I change?
What will enable me to gain acceptance from my parents?
Why do I choose to do things which are hard, and I know I cant do it?
Why do I have so much pain and darkness in me?
Why do I have so many questions?

Why you?

Why you?

Of all the people I could have fallen for, I fell for you.
It just doesn't make sense. Why did I fall for you?
I was not attracted to you at first. So what changed?
I wonder if my mind was becoming unhinged?

Was it your kind eyes?
Which always twinkled whenever you smile?
Or was it your dimples?
Which complemented on either sides of your smile?